"Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones."
--Thich Nhat Hanh
Something has been gnawing at me for quite some time. It was difficult to put a finger on it. I've been having difficulty sleeping for quite a while. As the Howard Hamlin character from Better Call Saul states, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
In a word, I think the culprit has been fear. Also known as worry. I've been worrying about a lot of things lately. I'm dealing with a very-pressure job, and there are a lot of changes coming in my life soon. I'm getting married, moving house, and also probably retiring soon. Each of those is a known stress-inducer by itself; collectively they are daunting. I have always had a tendency to fret over my past and worry about my future. I know that living in the moment is important. I've tried mediation in the past, and may do so again.
Perhaps my biggest fear has been whether I'm good enough for my lady. I know that she loves me, deeply. She says it and shows it in so many ways. I love her orders of magnitude more deeply than I thought possible. There's just a part of me that thinks I'm undeserving of love, inculcated over the years by abusive siblings, a long-lasting but utterly failed marriage, and probably some amount of inherent nature. My fear, as expressed by that bastard of an inner voice, was that if she really knew me at the deepest layer, she would not feel the same way about me. That one day, she'd announced that she just can't be with me.
So, what would be the causal factor in said break-up? Me. As in Jennifer. The name I've given to my crossdressing self. It seems that women that are not absolutely repulsed by men who crossdress are rarer than a unicorn in a tutu. Of that number, woman who are accepting of such behavior are a mere sliver of a fraction. What are the chances that my lady occupies that rarified space?
Well, as it turns out, the answer is 100%. We had a long, tear-filled conversation yesterday about this blog. As you know from prior posts, I invited her to read it. She was hesitant; not sure what surprises it might hold. I reassured her that I had no more "big reveal" moments; that she knows about all my "quirks." Still, I express thoughts here with more detail and clarity than I can provide in conversation. I think deeply about things, and conversations usually move too fast for me to fully express myself properly. I invited her to this blog so that she could read my thoughts in detail. I don't want to hold secrets. I want her to truly know me. My fear was, that once she did...
I need not have. I received this text from her last night, after she left.. "Well, I read everything. I love you more than ever. Fear not. You are *still* my everything."
There are things left to explore. But they are within the territory already staked out. She truly does love "all of me." I am over the moon.
By the way, we also had a pretty amazing love-making session this weekend. That deserves its own post; hopefully soon.
Thanks for reading.
Jen
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